Escaping the Fire

There are times in life when the frustration is so overwhelming that life seems to stop for a moment as the hurt and the rage consume us. We forget in that moment that life does not revolve solely around us, and that as followers of Christ we are guaranteed to be attacked and persecuted, and that every opportunity to destroy our lives, finances, relationships and reputations will be taken. I am caught in a moment like this, and it leaves me feeling breathless, drained, utterly exhausted and abandoned by the One I love. How did this happen?? Where do I go from here?

Recently I faced the biggest disappointment of my adult life. After years of struggling to keep our heads above water we finally saw the end in sight. We had finally found a reliable buyer for the property we owned, and selling it for it’s current market value meant that we would achieve our dream of being debt free. Finally we could breath again. Finally, a fresh start.

We showed the property and the buyer fell in love with it. I could see it in her eyes, this was a home for all her hopes and dreams in business. This was the location which would take her to the next level. I saw a younger version of myself in her eyes as she surveyed the building and all it’s beautiful architecture, of which none other as pretty could be found in our small community.

The bank was breathing down our necks to repay the loans we had been struggling with for the past two years. This was our chance to pay up and start over. Scarred and battle weary, we were ready to be done with the struggling of the past eight years, but little did we know, the battle raging within had only just begun.

The day after I showed the property I woke up in the morning soaking wet…..my water had ruptured early in the morning. The baby was not due for twelve weeks and the possibility of having an extremely premature baby loomed before me. Somewhere in my spirit I felt a deep reassurance that everything would be just fine, however as I returned home to my family and looked at my husband, I was overwhelmed with emotion and a sense of helplessness and so I began to cry. My husband hugged me and encouraged me that everything would be ok. Once again I felt the strength and resolve to march forward, head held high, determined to make the best of this situation.

I spent four weeks in the hospital on bed rest, all the while the Spirit of God ministered to my weary soul. People came to visit me and encourage me, and I reconnected with individuals I had not seen in years. The peace I felt was eerie. Looking back I can see that it was the calm before the storm in my soul.

In my 32nd week of pregnancy my doctor came to see me on rounds and encouraged me to book a c section. He said that it would be best for the baby to be delivered before my water got too low. We booked it for the following week. The next day I got a pass to go out for supper with some friends. As we sat visiting after our meal I began to have cramps which I would soon discover were the beginning pains of labor.

I went in for an emergency c section that night and delivered a healthy beautiful baby boy weighting 4lbs 7oz. What a proud addition to our wonderful little family. “His sisters will be just thrilled.” I thought to myself, and “His father will burst with pride…..finally, a son to call our own.” The moment was so full of joy amidst the uncertainty of everything else I was facing at that point in time.

During my hospital stay I did not have a lot of opportunity to contact the buyer of our property, but my mom and husband were keeping in touch. She was working on a business plan to take to the bank she said, and then she would make us an offer. We had already dropped $30,000 from our original price, what more did she want???

In December I finally contacted the buyer after a long absence and shortly after discovered that the bank had tired of waiting for us to secure a reliable buyer. They had hired a realtor to sell the property for them. I was disappointed but what could I do?? It was out of our hands. I had e mailed the buyer and not heard back from her, and a few days later, I found out why.

I phoned the lawyer in charge of our account and was notified that an offer to purchase had been accepted by the firm for our property. I was overjoyed, but no sooner had the feeling come that I felt a deep sense of foreboding in my spirit. I wanted to vomit, and I did not know why. I was sick to my stomach as I waited for the legal assistant to call me back with the details of the final offer price. She called back about an hour or so later and told me the amount they had accepted for an offer. I thought I had heard her wrong, so I asked her to repeat herself. She told me the number again and then I understood the sickness in the pit of my stomach. The property had been sold for less than what we paid ten years ago. The bank had practically given it away to satisfy the loan. The burden of our debt would not be satisfied for the low amount the property was being sold for.

I was enraged. How could they do this to us?? The buyer, the realtor, the bank, none of them cared one bit about all the blood sweat and tears that had been poured into our property. It was everything we had, and it turns out that in their eyes it amounted to nothing at all so long as it got them what they wanted. We now had to face the reality of paying a realtor a fee for selling our property to her friend at the lowest rock bottom price she could get it for.

I wanted to curse the building and the ground that it sat on. I wanted to scream and swear and have a fit like a little child who had just lost the security of the only home she had ever known. I wanted to write nasty letters and make them all feel like garbage for stealing my dream of being debt free and starting fresh. I wanted to be angry and hate, but most of all I wanted God to reach down deep into my heart and tear out the part of me that feels anything at all, just to stop the pain.

Instead, He reached down and showed me how He cares. As I sat in a depression over the loss of my dream, He opened my eyes to a new reality. He showed me that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Sunday morning as the Pastor spoke he read a scripture from Psalm 37 ” I have been young and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread.”(ESV) As I began to read the chapter from start to finish He ministered to my heart, and the broken parts began to mend.

” Fret not yourself because of evil doers; do not be envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb……….Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart….Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act……Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carried out evil devices! Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil……” Psalm 37 (ESV)

As I read through the chapter my spirit began to quiet within me, and peace began to be restored to my soul. The raging fire within was being showered with the Living Water, and the flames could not consume me. I had found the source of life once again, and as long as I was pouring His truth onto my situation my spirit could breath and be at peace.

The reality of my situation is that we have made some bad decisions in our lives which has lead us to this day. Our dreams are not dead, they are just going to take longer to attain. Our new little son is a miracle in our lives and a constant reminder that in our weakness He (God) is strong and faithful. Our son was born 8 weeks premature and has no health complications or problems. When I am wallowing in self pity he always seems to catch my eye with his innocent little grin and sparkly eyes. Life could always be worse. I could be grieving the loss of my only son instead of grieving the loss of our investment.

I still struggle with the anger, though it no longer threatens to consume me. I am still hurt, but wounds heal. I still need time for the bruises to heal and God’s grace to renew my spirit, but this I know: Every decision I make effects someone else, and every selfish decision is a curse against my own heart. The attitude I have towards others is the inheritance I receive from others, and when I cheat others I cheat myself of God’s blessing on my life and finances. The most important lesson I have learned is that every disappointment is an opportunity to discover more of God’s grace in the race we run daily. People are sure to disappoint me, but my God will never let me down so long as I am willing to submit myself to His will for my life and to learn and grow from everything that comes my way.