New Beginnings

It is now 2:34 am……I am again contemplating the need to write. The words flow so easily when I take the time, but life is so full of distractions and busy-ness. I need to decompress, and take the time to be with Him, hear from Him, know Him. Then I can flow in Him and begin a new day, a new beginning to the life I have lead thus far. As Tyler always says, “If you want to see change, you need to do things differently”. So I will make it through another day, week, month, year and the change will come when I least expect it….and with it renewed vigour and love of this life I lead.

I need to start writing!!!

Today I was reminded once again about how much I love to write. I was having coffee with a friend and brought out my prayer journal, and as I read an entry to her I was stuck by the intensity with which I hear the voice of the Lord concerning my own life as I sit and let Him direct my pen. So I have decided I will be starting another blog with my writings from my prayer journal in it! Perhaps I can inspire someone else with the words impressed on my heart. Perhaps I can minister life to someone who is needing to be made whole. Perhaps I can connect on a more intimate level with the One who created me. Regardless, I will cherish every tap of the keys and every word on the screen as His heart reflects onto my own.

A nearly perfect day

Today I saw a twist to my usual schedule as I woke up after a FULL NIGHTS SLEEP!! YAAAYYYYY!! Yes you heard me right people! After 14 months of night feedings my little son.shine slept for a full nine and a half hours! And ooohhh how I enjoyed the slumber without any interruptions. . . . .

So he woke up shortly after nine and immediately realized that he had not had a single moment of comfort in Mommies arms nursing to his hearts content, and he immediately began to scream in horror!! I rushed to his crib side and reached down to swoop him up, the crying ceased immediately.

As I turned to walk back to my bed he laid his little blonde head onto my shoulder and snuggled in, waiting patiently for the comfort he so greatly desired. I laid down with him and nursed he and I back to sleep. . . .

Forty minutes later it was time to get up and get ready for the day. How happy I was that my children, all three were soundly sleeping in their beds. At least for the moment. As the sounds of morning stirred around us, one by one the children arose, rubbing the sleep from their eyes and assembling together in the living room to what else . . . . watch Saturday morning cartoons.

As the children woke up to their saturday morning fix, I prepared for the day ahead. A day very unlike any I have had in some time. The lesson plan I had prepared late into the night waited for me on my desk, along with the images I had carefully chosen for the class I was to teach on basic photography and how to improve the quality of your pictures.

Nerves threatened to come to the surface as I thought about how long it had been since I was in front of a class room. Did I have enough information to cover three hours?? Would the students like me?? Would I be able to give each individual something of value to take home with them??

I jumped in the car and hit the road. Damn this car . . . . the heater was on the fritz and for the next hour and a half I willed God to reach down into my car and fix the problem so that I could feel warmth on my frozen fingers, toes and nose. I reached my destination cold but alive and excited to be given an opportunity to teach others about the art I love so much.

Class went by quickly. The students were very warm and receptive to what I had to say . . . except that one quiet girl sitting by the back. Everytime I looked her way the bland expression shouted “I WASTED MY MONEY ON THIS CRAP???” I really have no way of knowing how she felt, but expression speaks volumes and I can only hope that she found something of value in the time we spent.

Overall my time there was a great experience. The students asked a lot of questions and I surprised myself at how much I had to offer that wasn’t down on paper! I get time and experience really do mean a lot.

The drive home was much warmer, God must’ve heard my cries . . . or maybe the heater reset after I held the button down for like 10 minutes!!! LOL. Any which way the trip home was fast and uneventful.

Once home I ran here and there, picking up groceries, movies KFC and then FINALLY home. As I struggled through the door with my arms loaded to full capacity my family greeted me each from their perch, my dear husband at the computer, youngest daughter on the couch watching a kids show and my little son.shine skootching to the door to say hello.

I put down my bags as he stretched his little arms towards me, willing me to reach down and pick him up. I entered the living room to see my youngest daughter sitting on the couch with a pail on her head:) Such a little character. She is not feeling well and within five minutes she empties the contents of her stomach quietly into the pail. Poor girl:( Never one to complain she lets us clean her up and get her a Ginger Ale.

After 20 minutes little son.shine realizes that he has gone an entire day without his momma and begins to scream for the comfort that only I can offer him. We snuggle up on the couch and he nurses to his little hearts content.

The evening is slow and quiet except for the occasional bout of screaming brought on by a certain little man who has not had enough time with his mommie this day. My little Princess Sarah continues to feel yucky and twice more throws up. The presence in the house is quiet and I can feel the emptiness of my missing eldest daughter. The rest of the  family is together, but not quite whole with the absence of her laughter and sweetness.

As everyone settles in for the evening my heart is full. Today I have had time alone in my car, just me and God. I have had an opportunity to share of myself with others. I have experienced the joy of reuniting with those I love, and the emptiness of missing my first born. I have held back my little girls hair as she works out the sickness, and I have snuggled to my hearts content with my littlest one.

It has been a nearly perfect day, from my perspective at least. Subtract the sickness and add the daughter that is away living a life her own, and it would seem complete. I can’t complain. These are the things of life that mark moments in our minds. This day does not blend into the rest of my time line, but will stand out in my memories, mostly because I took the time to sit and reflect and write. And now, I say good night:)

What makes em tick??

I am so interested in people’s convictions and lack thereof. You have your religious zealots, your luke warm religious folk, then there are the people who are passionate about knowing God (and not forcing it on anyone, just loving God) and then there are the ones that don’t believe in a personal God and don’t care!

I often wonder what leads people to believe what they believe. Some are following what their parents raised them to beleive, some are on a quest all their own, but how does one decide that God doesn’t exist?? Is it because they have never heard Him speak to them in a personal way, or because He doesn’t act like a genie in a bottle granting their every wish, whim and demand?? is it lack of evidence?? Or is it just easier to not pick a religion?

Personally, I think that it is better to serve no God than it is to serve a God you are unsure about. Outside of having a personal relationship with your God why would you want to bother? Especially with that nagging uncertainty that your god is who he claims to be?!

The human spirit is an amazing thing. Things of the spirit fascinate me so much. I honestly don’t understand how anyone could quit seeking in this life to find out if there is a God and what He wants from us. It has been the biggest thrill and adventure of my life! It has made me less judgmental and more loving. It has taught me how to see my attitude in a clearer light and how it effects those around me. It has helped me to love my enemies and not be imprisoned by hatred towards people who are not important in my daily life. It has helped me to let go of my past, my mistakes and I have learned how to create a better future for myself and my children and not at anyone’s expense! Seeking God has been a wonderful adventure, and an amazing journey. I look forward to more:)

People get on my nerves

Don’t get me wrong. I love people. I am fascinated by human nature and the wide range of craziness I see in the world today, but I don’t understand how anyone could harm a child or commit horrific crimes against other humans, nor do I understand how people will crush each other to get a head.

I am most annoyed with those people who would use the name of the Lord in vain. I am not talking about the people who use “Jesus Christ” as a swear word or a part of their expression. I am talking about those people who have the audacity to claim that they serve Him and love Him, but only appear to do it for personal gain.

I am frustrated by their lack of love and concern for others. I am frustrated that they would profess “God is on my side” only to crush a “brother” or “sister” in Christ with their greed and desire to get a head. Those people are wolves in sheeps clothing.

At least an Atheist says “There is no God” and an agnostic says “I don’t know if there is a God.” I fear for the life of the person who claims to do things in the name of God when they are doing it for personal gain. I fear the wrath they will face when they meet Him face to face. I fear the curses they bring into their own lives. I fear becoming one of them, and I pray that He will keep my spirit sharp and discerning and that I will never be one of those people, using His name to get a head for my own personal gain.

To me, it is ok not to believe. It is ok not to know what to believe in. It is even ok to me to seek and search and explore many faiths. It is never ok for me to make claims that God wants me to destroy someone else’s finances, hopes and dreams so that I can have a bigger business, fancier house or car, or more money to play with.

I know that some Christians would roast me over an open fire for that last paragraph (To me, it is ok not to believe. It is ok not to know what to believe in. It is even ok to me to seek and search and explore many faiths.) ……it’s sad that religion has such a hold on some lives.

I don’t believe that it is ok to hold unbelievers to the same standards as believers. I don’t believe that it is ok to force our beliefs on others either. I do believe that when a person is sincere in their seeking that God will in due time reveal His true identity to them, and people, it’s not about how “super spiritual” we can be in leading so many people to Him.

We lead by example. We lead by the love we have for each other. We lead by walking closely with Him. We lead by loving Him above all else. We lead by accepting others as they are and showing them His love. Love is the root of it. If we have no love we have nothing. If you sit in the pew on Sunday and stab your neighbour in the back on Monday to get your hands on their property, wife, car etc. you are not following what His word tells us to do, how to live, how to love.

There is not enough love in the church today. It is sad and pitiful and embarrassing. The one place that people need to be able to come when they are hurting is the one place that turns out more casualties that Iraq or Vietnam or even Hitler ever did. I am so thankful to be a part of a body of believers that wants to be a newer better representation of Christ’s love to the world. I am thankful for Pastor’s that lead by example and say “Go hard or Go home”. I am thankful that the people in my life are dedicated and committed to being a better church and better representation of who God is.

So yes, people get on my nerves when they are a poor representation of the Christian faith they profess, but who am I to talk?? I fail daily!! I’m just blowing off some steam, letting go of some hurts and putting them out with the garbage I am sure not even close to perfect, and will never claim to have it all figured out. I am just thankful that I serve a God who loves me the way I am and cares enough to show me how to change.

What dreams may come . . . .

Dreams have always been a big part of who I am. They have helped me to understand myself better, and they have given me direction and understanding about my life’s circumstances. I have not been very faithful about writing down my dreams, but in time I hope to have a routine down pat so that all these fascinating and wonderful events and images that invade my sleep can be recorded for my children and grand children to read.

Last night I had a lot of dreams, but one that stands out was about Shawn and an old ski-dooing helmet. He was standing outside with this helmet looking at it, staring for what seemed like an hour. When he finally came into the house with it, he looked at me and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but we have become very wealthy.”

I looked at the helmet and inside there was an inscription. It read “You’re a WINNER!!” I didn’t know what we had won or how much, but I knew from the look on Shawn’s face that it was a lot. Then I thought “What if it has expired?? That helmet is old and worn out.” I looked again at the inscription and saw that it now read “You’re a WINNER” and below that “This offer is good from 1918-2016″

When I woke up this morning I wne tot work in the kitchen cooking some soup (This part is real). As I was chopping veggies and putting stuff away my mind became plagued with thoughts of anger and bitterness about the sale of our commercial property and how much of a rip of the whole deal was. I was angry at the buyer because she thinks that God did this for her (at our expense). The thoughts were getting angrier and darker, and I asked God to help me with them (I don’t want to care, I don’t want to hurt etc). Then I remembered His words to me “Don’t look back”. He had told me this two or three times after everything had gone through with the sale of the property. I spoke outloud to myself “Don’t look back Natanis!! Look ahead!”

It was then that I remembered my dream. Almost instantly I knew what it meant:

Wealth and increase will come from unexpected places. God has put down the foundations and prepared it for us before we were born & it will go well beyond us in the future. It will not expire before we grab hold of it!!

The peace in my heart is increasing and the pain is subsiding. Now I have a fresh lease on life, and a new vision for my future. I am thankful the past is behind me and I no longer have to worry about struggling to keep my head above water. When I purchased that place I thought that it would be a blessing, but it turned out to be a curse on my marriage, my finances and my well being. Funny how we struggle to let go of the things that are harmful to us…..I am thankful to be released from it once and for all, and now to be able to lean on the everlasting arms of love and to allow Him to direct me in all my ways.