So he woke up shortly after nine and immediately realized that he had not had a single moment of comfort in Mommies arms nursing to his hearts content, and he immediately began to scream in horror!! I rushed to his crib side and reached down to swoop him up, the crying ceased immediately.

As I turned to walk back to my bed he laid his little blonde head onto my shoulder and snuggled in, waiting patiently for the comfort he so greatly desired. I laid down with him and nursed he and I back to sleep. . . .

Forty minutes later it was time to get up and get ready for the day. How happy I was that my children, all three were soundly sleeping in their beds. At least for the moment. As the sounds of morning stirred around us, one by one the children arose, rubbing the sleep from their eyes and assembling together in the living room to what else . . . . watch Saturday morning cartoons.

As the children woke up to their saturday morning fix, I prepared for the day ahead. A day very unlike any I have had in some time. The lesson plan I had prepared late into the night waited for me on my desk, along with the images I had carefully chosen for the class I was to teach on basic photography and how to improve the quality of your pictures.

Nerves threatened to come to the surface as I thought about how long it had been since I was in front of a class room. Did I have enough information to cover three hours?? Would the students like me?? Would I be able to give each individual something of value to take home with them??

I jumped in the car and hit the road. Damn this car . . . . the heater was on the fritz and for the next hour and a half I willed God to reach down into my car and fix the problem so that I could feel warmth on my frozen fingers, toes and nose. I reached my destination cold but alive and excited to be given an opportunity to teach others about the art I love so much.

Class went by quickly. The students were very warm and receptive to what I had to say . . . except that one quiet girl sitting by the back. Everytime I looked her way the bland expression shouted “I WASTED MY MONEY ON THIS CRAP???” I really have no way of knowing how she felt, but expression speaks volumes and I can only hope that she found something of value in the time we spent.

Overall my time there was a great experience. The students asked a lot of questions and I surprised myself at how much I had to offer that wasn’t down on paper! I get time and experience really do mean a lot.

The drive home was much warmer, God must’ve heard my cries . . . or maybe the heater reset after I held the button down for like 10 minutes!!! LOL. Any which way the trip home was fast and uneventful.

Once home I ran here and there, picking up groceries, movies KFC and then FINALLY home. As I struggled through the door with my arms loaded to full capacity my family greeted me each from their perch, my dear husband at the computer, youngest daughter on the couch watching a kids show and my little son.shine skootching to the door to say hello.

I put down my bags as he stretched his little arms towards me, willing me to reach down and pick him up. I entered the living room to see my youngest daughter sitting on the couch with a pail on her head:) Such a little character. She is not feeling well and within five minutes she empties the contents of her stomach quietly into the pail. Poor girl:( Never one to complain she lets us clean her up and get her a Ginger Ale.

After 20 minutes little son.shine realizes that he has gone an entire day without his momma and begins to scream for the comfort that only I can offer him. We snuggle up on the couch and he nurses to his little hearts content.

The evening is slow and quiet except for the occasional bout of screaming brought on by a certain little man who has not had enough time with his mommie this day. My little Princess Sarah continues to feel yucky and twice more throws up. The presence in the house is quiet and I can feel the emptiness of my missing eldest daughter. The rest of the  family is together, but not quite whole with the absence of her laughter and sweetness.

As everyone settles in for the evening my heart is full. Today I have had time alone in my car, just me and God. I have had an opportunity to share of myself with others. I have experienced the joy of reuniting with those I love, and the emptiness of missing my first born. I have held back my little girls hair as she works out the sickness, and I have snuggled to my hearts content with my littlest one.

It has been a nearly perfect day, from my perspective at least. Subtract the sickness and add the daughter that is away living a life her own, and it would seem complete. I can’t complain. These are the things of life that mark moments in our minds. This day does not blend into the rest of my time line, but will stand out in my memories, mostly because I took the time to sit and reflect and write. And now, I say good night:)

I often wonder what leads people to believe what they believe. Some are following what their parents raised them to beleive, some are on a quest all their own, but how does one decide that God doesn’t exist?? Is it because they have never heard Him speak to them in a personal way, or because He doesn’t act like a genie in a bottle granting their every wish, whim and demand?? is it lack of evidence?? Or is it just easier to not pick a religion?

Personally, I think that it is better to serve no God than it is to serve a God you are unsure about. Outside of having a personal relationship with your God why would you want to bother? Especially with that nagging uncertainty that your god is who he claims to be?!

The human spirit is an amazing thing. Things of the spirit fascinate me so much. I honestly don’t understand how anyone could quit seeking in this life to find out if there is a God and what He wants from us. It has been the biggest thrill and adventure of my life! It has made me less judgmental and more loving. It has taught me how to see my attitude in a clearer light and how it effects those around me. It has helped me to love my enemies and not be imprisoned by hatred towards people who are not important in my daily life. It has helped me to let go of my past, my mistakes and I have learned how to create a better future for myself and my children and not at anyone’s expense! Seeking God has been a wonderful adventure, and an amazing journey. I look forward to more:)

My newest quest is to go deeper into the things of God. I want to see into the spiritual realm in a new way with eyes of understanding and fearless passion to help free people who are in bondage to so much. I am learning that a lot of our bondage is inside of us, something that we allow to grow and fester from our painful experiences, and there is not a spirit behind every bad thing that happens in life.

Lately my hunger to know Him is getting deeper and stronger. I am feeling a new confidence and certainty that I am on the right path in my life. Things definitely have not gone the way I would have chosen if I had any say at all, but I know that everything is to my benefit, that I am becoming someone that I could not possibly be without the experiences I have had.

Today was an interesting day. I was at the grocery store when I was approached by someone I recently did business with. She completely ripped me off in the business deal and I was amazed at her audacity in approaching me. I was thinking to myself “Why is she talking to me?? She has some nerve.” It was regarding a matter which I will not go into here, but it all ended up with her telling me that she would not pay the bill sent to her unless I could offer her further proof that it was her bill. I said to her “That’s not a suprise” I wasn’t rude or snotty about it, just very self assured because she ripped me off once, why wouldn’t she do it again?? As soon as I said the words she spun around quickly and walked away and all i heard was something about bitch…. I thought whatever! I can live with myself and I will sleep just fine tonight.

As she hurried away I watched her (practically running) and was quite surprised at how eager she was to get away. I realized then that she was completely intimidated by me. Little ol me. Huh. Imagine that. I have always been told that I am very intimidating, and for years thought it was a curse because I don’t want people to be intimidated by me!! I hate intimidating people!! Well, hate is a strong word, but I sure don’t like to be around intimidating people too much. Today I felt such empowerment by the whole circumstance, and a deeper longing to be totally committed to being a person of integrity.

Too many people lack integrity these days. They back bite and steal. They are not willing to do the right thing if the opportunity presents itself to get ahead at someone else’s expense. They compromise their moral standings for financial gain. They push friendship aside and do not honor their debt. They slander people because of their skin color, gender, social standing, religious beliefs or political standing and most of it is considered “politically correct”. I have had to deal with my share of people who lack integrity, but I am most acutely aware that once, not so long ago I was one of those people. I have always considered myself to be a fairly decent and “good” person, but I know for a fact that if I did not have a personal relationship with my God, that I would be a person who lacks integrity too. It’s only because He has shown me who I need to be that I am changing and becoming more like Him. What an amazing gift. 

I am most annoyed with those people who would use the name of the Lord in vain. I am not talking about the people who use “Jesus Christ” as a swear word or a part of their expression. I am talking about those people who have the audacity to claim that they serve Him and love Him, but only appear to do it for personal gain.

I am frustrated by their lack of love and concern for others. I am frustrated that they would profess “God is on my side” only to crush a “brother” or “sister” in Christ with their greed and desire to get a head. Those people are wolves in sheeps clothing.

At least an Atheist says “There is no God” and an agnostic says “I don’t know if there is a God.” I fear for the life of the person who claims to do things in the name of God when they are doing it for personal gain. I fear the wrath they will face when they meet Him face to face. I fear the curses they bring into their own lives. I fear becoming one of them, and I pray that He will keep my spirit sharp and discerning and that I will never be one of those people, using His name to get a head for my own personal gain.

To me, it is ok not to believe. It is ok not to know what to believe in. It is even ok to me to seek and search and explore many faiths. It is never ok for me to make claims that God wants me to destroy someone else’s finances, hopes and dreams so that I can have a bigger business, fancier house or car, or more money to play with.

I know that some Christians would roast me over an open fire for that last paragraph (To me, it is ok not to believe. It is ok not to know what to believe in. It is even ok to me to seek and search and explore many faiths.) ……it’s sad that religion has such a hold on some lives.

I don’t believe that it is ok to hold unbelievers to the same standards as believers. I don’t believe that it is ok to force our beliefs on others either. I do believe that when a person is sincere in their seeking that God will in due time reveal His true identity to them, and people, it’s not about how “super spiritual” we can be in leading so many people to Him.

We lead by example. We lead by the love we have for each other. We lead by walking closely with Him. We lead by loving Him above all else. We lead by accepting others as they are and showing them His love. Love is the root of it. If we have no love we have nothing. If you sit in the pew on Sunday and stab your neighbour in the back on Monday to get your hands on their property, wife, car etc. you are not following what His word tells us to do, how to live, how to love.

There is not enough love in the church today. It is sad and pitiful and embarrassing. The one place that people need to be able to come when they are hurting is the one place that turns out more casualties that Iraq or Vietnam or even Hitler ever did. I am so thankful to be a part of a body of believers that wants to be a newer better representation of Christ’s love to the world. I am thankful for Pastor’s that lead by example and say “Go hard or Go home”. I am thankful that the people in my life are dedicated and committed to being a better church and better representation of who God is.

So yes, people get on my nerves when they are a poor representation of the Christian faith they profess, but who am I to talk?? I fail daily!! I’m just blowing off some steam, letting go of some hurts and putting them out with the garbage I am sure not even close to perfect, and will never claim to have it all figured out. I am just thankful that I serve a God who loves me the way I am and cares enough to show me how to change.

Last night I had a lot of dreams, but one that stands out was about Shawn and an old ski-dooing helmet. He was standing outside with this helmet looking at it, staring for what seemed like an hour. When he finally came into the house with it, he looked at me and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but we have become very wealthy.”

I looked at the helmet and inside there was an inscription. It read “You’re a WINNER!!” I didn’t know what we had won or how much, but I knew from the look on Shawn’s face that it was a lot. Then I thought “What if it has expired?? That helmet is old and worn out.” I looked again at the inscription and saw that it now read “You’re a WINNER” and below that “This offer is good from 1918-2016″

When I woke up this morning I wne tot work in the kitchen cooking some soup (This part is real). As I was chopping veggies and putting stuff away my mind became plagued with thoughts of anger and bitterness about the sale of our commercial property and how much of a rip of the whole deal was. I was angry at the buyer because she thinks that God did this for her (at our expense). The thoughts were getting angrier and darker, and I asked God to help me with them (I don’t want to care, I don’t want to hurt etc). Then I remembered His words to me “Don’t look back”. He had told me this two or three times after everything had gone through with the sale of the property. I spoke outloud to myself “Don’t look back Natanis!! Look ahead!”

It was then that I remembered my dream. Almost instantly I knew what it meant:

Wealth and increase will come from unexpected places. God has put down the foundations and prepared it for us before we were born & it will go well beyond us in the future. It will not expire before we grab hold of it!!

The peace in my heart is increasing and the pain is subsiding. Now I have a fresh lease on life, and a new vision for my future. I am thankful the past is behind me and I no longer have to worry about struggling to keep my head above water. When I purchased that place I thought that it would be a blessing, but it turned out to be a curse on my marriage, my finances and my well being. Funny how we struggle to let go of the things that are harmful to us…..I am thankful to be released from it once and for all, and now to be able to lean on the everlasting arms of love and to allow Him to direct me in all my ways.

The people I love feel like they have always been there. . . . a relaxed and predictable part of my life. When did my daughter get so tall?? When did she learn to talk and reason the way she does? I fee like I’m losing my mind. Why does life happen all around me and I don’t even see it? What is it about my life that it is always growing and changing and I can’t keep up?

These are the feelings and questions that I have carried in my heart for years, most of the time completely unaware that they were even there. Once in a while something would come to the surface, as if searching for oxygen after being deprived for a great length of time, and I would question once more “What is going on with my life?? When did all this stuff happen??” Almost as quickly as these questions came to the surface, they would disappear. It was like my mind was not connected to my life as days turned into weeks, and months into years.

One day the Spirit of God spoke to my heart. His words stopped my racing mind in it’s tracks as He gently stated “You need to live an intentional life.” Suddenly, it all became clear to me. I was not living my life, I was surviving it. I was not making decisions and choices about who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my time on this earth, I was just coasting along hoping things would get better, and instead life was just passing me by.

The more I thought about His Wisdom to my spirit, the more I saw the mindless haze my life had become. The choices I make everyday had been put on autopilot, and I was drowning in bad food, big debt and indifference in my relationships. I was overweight, depressed and lonely. How did this happen to me?? I wasn’t living an intentional life.

As I look around me at the people in my life, I see that I am not alone. I am surrounded by a world of people who also are not living an intentional life. What can we do to bring a sense of change to our reality?? How can we become the vibrant and charismatic people that we once were, or have never been but are destined to become?? I found my start in His words. In reminding myself everyday when I catch myself in a mindless haze. . . . that I need to live an intentional life. If I cannot be faithful in the little things of life (see Luke 16:10) than what makes me think that my awesome Father will trust me with more?

So now the question remains. Have you been living an intentional life?? Or have you been caught up in the same mindless haze that I found myself? How can you live a more intentional life? What changes can you make in your mindless routine to bring you into a more vibrant and alive place in your existence? You can start by asking Him to lead you every step of the way. Take time to seek His council every day in all of your decisions and responsibilities, seek His grace in crisis and His friendship in the ordinary moments. Let Him have all the broken parts of your life so that He can begin to heal your wounds, and you will discover soon that you have begun to regain of a life you were formerly just surviving. It’s an adventure I promise you will be a glorious ride.

Recently I faced the biggest disappointment of my adult life. After years of struggling to keep our heads above water we finally saw the end in sight. We had finally found a reliable buyer for the property we owned, and selling it for it’s current market value meant that we would achieve our dream of being debt free. Finally we could breath again. Finally, a fresh start.

We showed the property and the buyer fell in love with it. I could see it in her eyes, this was a home for all her hopes and dreams in business. This was the location which would take her to the next level. I saw a younger version of myself in her eyes as she surveyed the building and all it’s beautiful architecture, of which none other as pretty could be found in our small community.

The bank was breathing down our necks to repay the loans we had been struggling with for the past two years. This was our chance to pay up and start over. Scarred and battle weary, we were ready to be done with the struggling of the past eight years, but little did we know, the battle raging within had only just begun.

The day after I showed the property I woke up in the morning soaking wet…..my water had ruptured early in the morning. The baby was not due for twelve weeks and the possibility of having an extremely premature baby loomed before me. Somewhere in my spirit I felt a deep reassurance that everything would be just fine, however as I returned home to my family and looked at my husband, I was overwhelmed with emotion and a sense of helplessness and so I began to cry. My husband hugged me and encouraged me that everything would be ok. Once again I felt the strength and resolve to march forward, head held high, determined to make the best of this situation.

I spent four weeks in the hospital on bed rest, all the while the Spirit of God ministered to my weary soul. People came to visit me and encourage me, and I reconnected with individuals I had not seen in years. The peace I felt was eerie. Looking back I can see that it was the calm before the storm in my soul.

In my 32nd week of pregnancy my doctor came to see me on rounds and encouraged me to book a c section. He said that it would be best for the baby to be delivered before my water got too low. We booked it for the following week. The next day I got a pass to go out for supper with some friends. As we sat visiting after our meal I began to have cramps which I would soon discover were the beginning pains of labor.

I went in for an emergency c section that night and delivered a healthy beautiful baby boy weighting 4lbs 7oz. What a proud addition to our wonderful little family. “His sisters will be just thrilled.” I thought to myself, and “His father will burst with pride…..finally, a son to call our own.” The moment was so full of joy amidst the uncertainty of everything else I was facing at that point in time.

During my hospital stay I did not have a lot of opportunity to contact the buyer of our property, but my mom and husband were keeping in touch. She was working on a business plan to take to the bank she said, and then she would make us an offer. We had already dropped $30,000 from our original price, what more did she want???

In December I finally contacted the buyer after a long absence and shortly after discovered that the bank had tired of waiting for us to secure a reliable buyer. They had hired a realtor to sell the property for them. I was disappointed but what could I do?? It was out of our hands. I had e mailed the buyer and not heard back from her, and a few days later, I found out why.

I phoned the lawyer in charge of our account and was notified that an offer to purchase had been accepted by the firm for our property. I was overjoyed, but no sooner had the feeling come that I felt a deep sense of foreboding in my spirit. I wanted to vomit, and I did not know why. I was sick to my stomach as I waited for the legal assistant to call me back with the details of the final offer price. She called back about an hour or so later and told me the amount they had accepted for an offer. I thought I had heard her wrong, so I asked her to repeat herself. She told me the number again and then I understood the sickness in the pit of my stomach. The property had been sold for less than what we paid ten years ago. The bank had practically given it away to satisfy the loan. The burden of our debt would not be satisfied for the low amount the property was being sold for.

I was enraged. How could they do this to us?? The buyer, the realtor, the bank, none of them cared one bit about all the blood sweat and tears that had been poured into our property. It was everything we had, and it turns out that in their eyes it amounted to nothing at all so long as it got them what they wanted. We now had to face the reality of paying a realtor a fee for selling our property to her friend at the lowest rock bottom price she could get it for.

I wanted to curse the building and the ground that it sat on. I wanted to scream and swear and have a fit like a little child who had just lost the security of the only home she had ever known. I wanted to write nasty letters and make them all feel like garbage for stealing my dream of being debt free and starting fresh. I wanted to be angry and hate, but most of all I wanted God to reach down deep into my heart and tear out the part of me that feels anything at all, just to stop the pain.

Instead, He reached down and showed me how He cares. As I sat in a depression over the loss of my dream, He opened my eyes to a new reality. He showed me that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Sunday morning as the Pastor spoke he read a scripture from Psalm 37 ” I have been young and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread.”(ESV) As I began to read the chapter from start to finish He ministered to my heart, and the broken parts began to mend.

” Fret not yourself because of evil doers; do not be envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb……….Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart….Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act……Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carried out evil devices! Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil……” Psalm 37 (ESV)

As I read through the chapter my spirit began to quiet within me, and peace began to be restored to my soul. The raging fire within was being showered with the Living Water, and the flames could not consume me. I had found the source of life once again, and as long as I was pouring His truth onto my situation my spirit could breath and be at peace.

The reality of my situation is that we have made some bad decisions in our lives which has lead us to this day. Our dreams are not dead, they are just going to take longer to attain. Our new little son is a miracle in our lives and a constant reminder that in our weakness He (God) is strong and faithful. Our son was born 8 weeks premature and has no health complications or problems. When I am wallowing in self pity he always seems to catch my eye with his innocent little grin and sparkly eyes. Life could always be worse. I could be grieving the loss of my only son instead of grieving the loss of our investment.

I still struggle with the anger, though it no longer threatens to consume me. I am still hurt, but wounds heal. I still need time for the bruises to heal and God’s grace to renew my spirit, but this I know: Every decision I make effects someone else, and every selfish decision is a curse against my own heart. The attitude I have towards others is the inheritance I receive from others, and when I cheat others I cheat myself of God’s blessing on my life and finances. The most important lesson I have learned is that every disappointment is an opportunity to discover more of God’s grace in the race we run daily. People are sure to disappoint me, but my God will never let me down so long as I am willing to submit myself to His will for my life and to learn and grow from everything that comes my way.